Love and Respect

by Danny Bell

It’s not a secret anymore that men and women are totally different in design.

There are now emerging studies showing that men and women are opposite in more ways than first thought.

Researcher Simon Cohen provides the evidence for what many have suspected all along: that male and female brains are very different. He reveals scientific evidence that shows female brains are better at empathizing and communicating, while male brains are stronger at understanding and building systems such as politics and music.

Under laboratory observation, it was seen that men’s brains were more in tune with external things going on around them, with the visual parts of the brain being active even at rest. The females who partook in the study showed that those parts that deal with the internal functions like the emotional centers of the brain were most active while at rest (The Essential Difference, Cohen).

This trend in research underscores what has been known for centuries by commentators and discerning Christians alike.

Author and speaker Dr Emerson Eggerichs believes strongly that most misunderstandings between men and women are due to ignorance on one basic level. After spending many years as a counsellor, Eggerichs came up with the radical idea that love alone will not save a couples’ relationship gone wrong.


The difference he pointed out was that while a woman thrives on love, a man simply doesn’t need as much but has his needs met in respect (Eggerichs, Love and Respect, pg 1).

He explains; Wives are made to love, want to love and expect love. Many husbands fail to deliver.

But as I kept studying scripture and counselling couples, I finally saw the other half of the equation. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver – (ibid, pg 6).

Eggerich goes on to say that many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to unconditionally love their wives but entirely fail to mention the husbands need for unconditional respect (ibid, pg 19).

This sets up what he calls a “Crazy Cycle” where the husband “stonewalls” and withdraws which is in turn interpreted by the wife that he does not love her. She then criticises him which makes him feel more disrespected creating a cycle of alienation.

While Eggerich adequately points out that both sides have alot to learn, he makes it very clear that understanding a mans need for respect is pivotal to a happy relationship in which both parties can survive.

He observes that a woman will talk to a husband in the home in a way that another man outside of the home would never talk to him (ibid, pg 59).

While a wife may be happy to lay claim to her need to be unconditionally loved, somehow men are labelled arrogant and egotistical if they ask for unconditional respect – yet this is at the very core of a man’s emotional needs and how he is wired.

This is further backed up by the scriptures where Paul says; “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

For years we have promoted the “love your wives” part in marriage seminars and publications but have left out the “respect your husband” part which rounds out the passage and puts it into context.

Ask any wife how she would feel if her husband said, “I respect you but I don’t love you”? She of course would be devastated. The same would apply if a wife said to her husband, “I love you but I don’t respect you” – the husband is equally devastated.



Respect is big on God’s agenda and men are very much like their Father in Heaven. God told Israel that He loved them verbally on only a few occasions. His love to them was a tough kind that wasn’t always demonstrated in what some would call a loving way.

That’s because God demonstrated His love in the Bible almost entirely through His actions and not words. When Israel complained He didn’t say, “but I love you!” He pointed them back to what He had done and His mighty works on their behalf.

He shouldn’t have needed to remind them that He loved them because all along He showed a constant care that would match any doting creature He created.

Men, husbands and fathers are the same. We were not designed to speak the language of love as much as to show it.

Many Dad’s go off to work into a difficult world for long hours bearing the concerns about the future as well as the needs of the family because God placed deep in Adam a heavy unseen burden of responsibility. When husbands are disrespected, that hits at the very core of their being and they withdraw - or worse.

When a man is respected he is capable of giving the love that the family needs. When he is disrespected he will shield the one thing that he has left - his masculinity - because this is at the heart of who he is and it cannot be changed.

Men are capable of giving love but we as men need to let our women know what chokes that love off. If we feel disrespected then we need to say to our partners, “When you disrespect me I don’t feel love for you”.

This is a woman’s language and they will hear what we mean when we say this. If they are aware what makes you feel bad then they can change their communication too and in turn receive from you the love they desperately need.
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