The Christian Nice Guy Syndrome

What is the “Christian Nice Guy (CNG) Syndrome”?

Paul Coughlin, author of the popular book No More Christian Nice Guy, says:

It’s an emotional and spiritual malady that robs men of the power and passion necessary to direct, sacrifice and provide for their families. Such men are in the grip of two crippling forces - passivity and an incomplete understanding of Jesus*

Coughlin goes on to say that the Christian Nice Guy problem has a misunderstood spiritual component. These men have an incomplete picture of God. Thus they are encouraged to be nice to a fault, making them emotionally dishonest**. Coughlin is not alone in his views with a whole chorus of books on the subject challenging popular ideas of what it is to be a Christian male in the 21st century.

David Murrow - author of the book Why Men Hate Going to Church, takes it one step further by unflatteringly saying that the average church man is a different breed to normal males; Tough earthy working guys rarely come to church. High achievers, alpha males, risk takers and visionaries are in short supply. Fun lovers and adventurers are also underrepresented at church. These rough and tumble men don’t fit in with the quiet, introspective gentlemen who populate the church today.***

Murrow identifies the heart of the problem by saying that today’s church actually favours CNG’s by creating a culture that targets people who show up and participate – women, children and old people.**** CNG’s feel right at home because most of them have grown up in the church and come not to be transformed but because they enjoy participating in comforting rituals that have changed little since their childhood.*****

Commentators agree that the local garden variety of CNG is also a tortured soul and not living out his full potential as a father, husband or man of God. The CNG lives by a code of fear and safety rather than courage and challenge. He secretly admires masculine men but cannot show it because the church only offers rewards for men who act in a feminine way. The church is one of the few institutions in society where there is no pressure to act like a man. In fact men are encouraged not to be masculine at church. Where else can a man express his feminine side and be applauded for it?******

The contrast between CNG’s and Godlike men is seen most clearly in the stories of the Bible. I like to think of Sampson as a classic example of what raw masculinity under God’s direction can accomplish. Sampson definitely would not have made it onto the church worship committee or been allowed to teach but let’s not forget that he was a Judge and God used him. Samson's life presents an enigma for many CNG’s who usually try to explain it away by saying he reaped the rewards for his sinful life and that is why he died with the Philistines. While I do not believe Sampson led a sinful life (he was certainly a sinner), the record does state in Judges – "he led Israel twenty years".

Sampson was not a CNG, but who wouldn’t mind going down in history as a Bible hero like he did? There is an old saying,"all men die but not all men really live". The difference between Sampsons life and that of a CNG would be that one chooses to live under the radar focussing on a "nice" reputation creating as little conflict as possible while the other obeys the full command of scripture – "living hot or cold instead of being lukewarm" (Rev). God didn’t demand that Samson be perfect but he did demand 100% - the last thing God did for Samson was answer his prayers.

The CNG syndrome is a sad existence that sets the bar selfishly low so that no waves are created with personal peace and safety as the ultimate goal. Not so for Godlike men who take greater risks and front bigger challenges than their counterparts dare to contemplate. When you die, will you be satisfied to be remembered for dwelling in the shadows like a timid church mouse or will you be remembered like Samson throughout all history as a great Judge and Warrior in the pages of eternal history?

* Coughlin, No More Christian Nice Guy
** Ibid
*** Murrow, Why Men Hate Going to Church
**** Ibid
***** Ibid
******* Ibid